Updates

It's been nearly a month since my last update and I have some good news to report on my "last diet journey." I've lost 8.2 pounds. I've been combining weight watchers points system with choosing whole foods about 85% of the time. For the last few years I've honestly felt like it won't work for me. I've tried all sorts of things and been fairly unsuccessful but I am feeling like it is possible again.

So what am I doing differently? I think it's the little self talk moments where I have been succeeding lately. I ask myself questions before eating. Questions like, is my body hungry? If the answer is no I say it out loud. "I am not hungry." "My body doesn't need food right now." "I don't need to eat." When I want to eat anyway I have been grabbing carrots. Crunchy carrots have been feeding the need to feed when I'm not hungry. I know from experience there will come a time when carrots won't be enough but for today I am grateful for the crunchy snacks.

Honoring my Commitment

After 29 years of dieting I've come back home to Weight Watchers. I started it nearly 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure but I'm thinking I'm down between 5 and 7 pounds. (I'll know for sure on Sunday)

Last night I went to a friend's jewelry party. She was serving wine and cheese and some sort of gourmet pizza. I had dinner beforehand to make it easier on myself. I accounted for a couple glasses of wine in my points, and I ate maybe a cup of grapes while I was there. If you aren't familiar with Weight Watchers, they have you count points as opposed to calories.

On the way home I was craving frozen yogurt. I asked myself the question I have been on this go around. What does my body need? Does my body feel hungry? Not what do I emotionally want? Not what do I deserve because I was so good at the party? I knew I wasn't hungry and I knew I could satisfy the sweet tooth with a teaspoon of peanut butter. I almost turned left towards the yogurt shop. I'd even put on the turning blinker but then turned it off before the light changed. In order for me to get to my goal I have to honor my commitments, one challenge at a time, one day at a time, every day. Last night I did and this morning it felt pretty good.

Which Way the Calories Burn

What is required to lose weight? Is it low fat? High Protein? Low Carb? No animal products? No starch? Limited fruit? No sugar? Protein drinks? Supplements? What if it's just as simple as calories in - calories out? What if at the end of the day if you are eating more calories than you are burning you will gain weight and if you are eating less you will lose weight. What if there are no short cuts or magical pills? What if carbs are actually really important for brain function? What if there is such a thing as too much protein or too little fat? What if diet coke actually makes weight loss harder? What if loosing weight quickly is actually a bad thing? What if everything I have done for the last 15 years to my body has been destructive? What if?

I started taking a nutritional science class in February. I wanted to learn about nutrition for personal and professional reasons. Gaining a beginners understanding as to how the body uses the foods we eat has been both fascinating and horrifying. In five short weeks I have learned that carbohydrates are what the brain uses for fuel so under-eating them might not be very smart. I've learned that protein is a very busy substance and shouldn't be asked to do the job of carbohydrates. I've learned that sugar isn't the enemy, excess is. I've also learned that I was eating double the amount of protein my body required and a lot more animal protein than necessary. I've learned that soybeans are a perfect protein containing all the essential amino acids, just like a piece of chicken does. I've learned that the only Americans suffering from a protein deficiency are under-eating, consequently protein drinks and protein bars are totally unnecessary.

This has had a tremendous effect on my eating habits for the last month. I'm rethinking everything as I continue along the process of my last diet. I am a beginner again and for someone who has been dieting since I was 12...that's saying something.

My Weightloss Campaign

I began my new food plan back in November. For 30 days I avoided refined sugar, white flour, dairy, broccoli, potatoes, tomatoes, spicy seasonings, soda, artificial sweeteners and alcohol. The first 30 days was easy. December there were a few slips but not too bad. New Years Eve and day were too much alcohol and pizza so we call call that a pretty sizable slip. Since New Years I have been at about 80%. It seems as though every day there is a little something extra on the plate and the weight loss is slower because of it.

This morning I asked myself one question. Can I just stay 100% on target today. Tomorrow perhaps I will have a little extra something but I will worry about that tomorrow. For today can I simply eat according to plan without deviation? The answer thus far is yes. I am committed to seeing through the remainder of the day, eating small meals every 3 to 4 hours and eating from the approved list only. I'll report back tomorrow but so far so good.

My Last Diet

I believe the most powerful thing we do is make decisions. The conscious decisions we make focus our actions. The actions we take shape the life we live and how we feel about ourselves. I have made two decisions that I decided to chronicle here in my blog.

Ever since I hit puberty I have been at war with my body. I’ve lost and gained the same 15 to 25 pounds since high school and it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem and self confidence. I am 41 years old and I am tired of fighting, tired of criticizing, tired of the self-loathing.

I have decided that I will lose 15 pounds between now and June 30th. I made a pledge through the Biggest Loser and when I succeed, the program and their sponsors will donate 14 cents per pound lost, to the Feeding America food bank nearest me. It's not just me by the way. Go to BiggestLoser.com and you can make a weight loss pledge. Anyone can do it and I encourage you, if losing weight was a New Year's resolution, to consider it. By eating less I will literally help others who need it to eat more. I like the synergy.

Lastly, I have decided that it is time I accept my body for the miraculous gift it is, as opposed to lamenting the fact that I'm not built like a fashion model. Admitting this is uncomfortable at best. I have always been ashamed of my body and ashamed of the shame of it. It's a viscous circle that no longer represents who I choose to be from this point forward.

So in the spirit of change, in the spirit of full disclosure and in the spirit of a fresh new decade, I share with you the journey of My Last Diet.

Cleaning out the Clutter

I have a dream…a dream that every closet, every cabinet and every drawer is neat, organized, and I know what’s in them. I have a dream that all my mail is filed, that if I have company staying with me, they can open the cupboard where the extra toilet paper is kept and I won’t feel shame. I have a dream that my desk looks neat, that there are no piles of miscellaneous papers, no stacks of Post It Notes I have to look through to find a number I need.

For some people neatness comes naturally. Some people are unable to go to sleep unless everything is put neatly in its place. I am not one of those people. I learned that the perception of neatness would keep me out of trouble when I was a kid so I would throw everything under my bed. I became a hider of cluttered stuff and even into adulthood I will at times slip back into that space.

As I mentioned earlier, this year has been stressful and the tenuous grasp on a clutter free environment entirely unraveled. My office became a place I did not want to be in which is unfortunate because I work from home. I started working at my laptop in the living room as opposed to the ergonomically correct desk I invested in a few years ago. Every time I thought I should get myself organized I would quickly dismiss the idea for a higher priority item on the To Do list.

As a life coach people come to me when they need support in some area of their life and it finally dawned on me that perhaps I should do the same. I hired a professional organizer to come in and organize my office, office closet and entryway cupboards. The results have been amazing. I am sitting in my office right now loving it. I have been putting things away and the desk looks exactly as it did when the organizer cleaned it over a week ago. I feel lighter, more focused, more energized, and more at peace. It’s as if un-cluttering my cluttered spaces have released me somehow.

My commitment is to one day at a time put my things away in the places my organizer arranged for me. I am willing to practice maintaining a clutter free environment today and I intend to make the same commitment tomorrow.

Where have I been?

Ralph Waldo Emerson described my year best when he said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

I have had some amazing moments and some extremely challenging moments. I know every year can be described that way, but it seems for me 2009 has been a time of extremes.

I have experienced sick family members, sick friends, career challenges, education decisions, extreme sadness and extreme joy. I have lost sleep, gained pounds, lost track of friends and reconnected with long lost friends and classmates. I have taken risks that did not pan out and skirted risks that might have. I have hidden under the covers and sat in a jeep in the South African bush watching wild lions have a buffalo for dinner. I have hibernated on my couch in front of the TV and I traveled to Spain to Familia Sagrada, a church designed by Antoni Gaudi that cannot be described with words or truly captured in pictures.

I lost myself in the most familiar of places and found myself in the most miraculous and foreign places. I had a moment in the bush when everyone in the vehicle was silently staring at a lion lying in the road staring back at us, when I felt connected to everything and utterly at peace. I had moments with my closest friends when I felt utterly alone. Finding moments of sadness in South Africa taught me on a visceral level that everywhere you go, there you are.

Generally speaking I do not experience change gracefully. This has not been a graceful year for me, but there is change on the horizon. When I look back at this year I know there is some major shift I am making and I believe on the other side is something wonderful. Last night a friend told me she is entering a new phase of her life and I really connected with that idea. I’m not certain what this new phase will look like but I am ready to share again.

I am missing the familiar, but I am gaining a new vision of what my life can be. As I pursue that vision I must let go of the old vision to be open to the possibilities as they unfold.

I am sorry I have been silent so long but I am back.