Emotional Eating

I’m bored and my to-do list consists of things I’m not “in the mood” to do. What else could I do? I could organize my desk and office, which vary from organized chaos to simply chaos…I could complete the photo project I’d been wanting to complete…I could update my clients website ahead of schedule…I could invoice…I could hit the kitchen and see if there is something in the fridge that might perk me up. Then I remembered I’m prepared for this…I have nothing in my fridge but fruit, veggies and chicken. I am both relieved and disappointed. I can always head to 7-11 for a snack…but that is old behavior. That is what I used to do. Now I do things differently…most of the time.

I embodied the saying “had a feeling, had a snack” for years but that is not the life I lead today. Now if I start craving a snack when I am clearly not hungry, I ask what I am feeling. If I don’t know then I write. Usually writing stream of consciousness for a page or two will get me to what I am feeling or more likely avoiding. Usually simply taking a pause and acknowledging that my craving is not hunger-related gives me enough time to make another choice. I will even say “I’m not hungry” out loud. Sometimes I call a friend and tell them I “feel” like eating and why. When I do succumb, as happens from time to time, I resist the urge to beat myself up. This is now always easy. Historically I used to indulge and then beat myself up for the indulgence making me feel bad and eventually leading to indulging again. The key for me is acknowledging my feelings, holding myself accountable and having compassion when I slip, acknowledging that sometimes a slip is the best I can do.

Food Prep

I think one of the biggest differences between how I used to eat and how I eat now is food prep. I used to wait until I was hungry and ask myself what I wanted to eat. Yesterday I made a turkey meatloaf with four portions. Tonight I made a chicken dish...also four portions. I cut up peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, hearts of palm and carrots, enough for several salads. I also have cut broccoli ready to be steamed and an entire watermelon cut up in the fridge. Snacks and meals are planned. I may not stick to the plan every day but I have made a commitment not to waste food. Therefore when I do deviate from the plan I have food in the fridge to get right back on the plan for the next meal. No excuses. I feel pretty good today. Everything I ate came out of my kitchen. The goal is to remember that feeling for the next day.

From Excuses to Opportunities

This morning I got dressed in workout clothing as I do every day. I sat at my desk to work for a few hours before meeting my trainer for my regular workout. I was thinking my session was at 10:30am so I was surprised when my trainer sent me a text asking where I was at 9:50am. That is until I realized I’d scheduled the session at 9:30am and I was now 20 minutes late. I had been so focused on work and neglected to check the actual time scheduled on my calendar. We rescheduled our session for Saturday. That settled I immediately saved the work on my computer, got up, grabbed my water bottle and headed to the gym for an hour of cardio.

What makes this blog-worthy for me is that 3 years ago if my session with my trainer was canceled I would have likely used it as an excuse to skip a workout and justify the fact that I would work out on Saturday. Today I didn’t even think twice, I saw it instead as an opportunity to get in a little extra cardio. This shift from excuses to opportunities did not come overnight. It required a one-day-at-a-time commitment for which I am both proud and grateful.

Pita Problem

I work out of the house and usually I eat food I cook in my kitchen. On the days I get take out it's usually from a little franchise in LA called California Chicken Cafe'. The rotisserie chicken is decent but I"m pretty much obsessed with the potatoes. In fact, when I am trying to lay off starch I can't go there because I am utterly powerless over the potatoes. They also give you pita bread but I always choose the potatoes and ask them to skip the pita. Unfortunately I get it to go and frequently they throw the pita under the chicken breast anyway. This is where the real discipline comes in. Am I willing to throw the pita out when I get it home? Sometimes...not today. Today I was feeling light vertigo...I had a lot to do...I'd worked out and was hungry and tired...and if God didn't want me to eat the pita then the restaurant would have followed my instructions. Clearly, eating the pita is sanctioned by God and who am I to question the Almighty. It was just pita...not a pizza...not a pint of Ben and Jerry's...just a piece of pita...I had explicitly asked they leave the pita out...I'd done the best I could. And now that I have successfully created a plausible list of excuses I can put it to rest. After all, I have lunch plans elsewhere tomorrow.

My inner ear challenges

So in recent weeks I've discovered I have an inner ear fluid problem. That means I can have vertigo without warning. It ranges from feeling slightly light-headed or as I call "fuzzy-brained" to feeling like I am riding the Tea Cups at Disneyland. Its frustrating, it's annoying, it can get in the way of working out, it can get in the way of work. I am grateful it's not a brain tumor, I am grateful it's not MS or the wide variety of other potential health problems vertigo can be an indication of.

I'm being told to eat a low sodium diet and since I'm not a huge salt eater that's not a big deal. If I have even the slightest amount of vertigo I need to avoid caffeine and that is not that big a deal since there is always diet 7-Up. The challenge is to avoid wanting comfort foods when I am frustrated because I need to cut my night short or can't finish a work project today because I have to lay down. My additional challenge is to lower my caloric intake on the days I can't work out because I am dizzy. My challenges are the same as they have ever been...the triggers to them might be new. Regardless, nothing makes my health a greater priority then an inner ear problem with the capacity to bring your life to a standstill.

Tipping a toe in the sugar pool...

Six years ago on September 7^th I stopped eating anything that looked, tasted or felt like desert. That may seem extreme to some but I did it for good reason. I had gotten to the point that I was stopping at 7-11 between every meal for Pop Tarts, cookies or some other sweet treat. I had made so many broken promises, I felt like an addict. I had the help of a support group and did the “one-day-at-a-time” thing. For the first year or two I would look longingly on occasion at all the new items the candy companies came up with but at some point I stopped caring. Somehow honoring the commitment I’d made to myself had released me of the obsession for cookies, candy, Pop Tarts and the like. November 7^th was my birthday and the night before I was pre-celebrating at dinner with friends. At the end of the meal the waiter brought over a crème brulee and they sang happy birthday. Normally I would blow out the candle and pass the desert away from me. That night, I instead choose to pick up the sweet cracker and run it across the desert and take a bite. I ate the entire cracker, dipping it in the desert and when the cracker was done I had had enough. At no point did I feel like I needed more, at no point did I feel the obsession or the guilt I had lived with for so many years. It was the first bite of sugar I ever remembered taking that was not compulsive, obsessive or guilt ridden. I have no intention of incorporating sugar back into my diet and yet I do feel some small victory here that I wanted to share.

Forty and Fabulous

OMG, I turned 40 today. It's funny, when I was a kid I assumed I'd get here one day but never really gave it much thought. The assumption was that I would be married with kids, a house and a dog. The reality is I am single, in my own condo, with my own business and a cat who likes to sleep on whatever papers I am trying to work with. Not what I thought but not a bad life either.

I have a family who loves me, friends who flew from Alaska, Minneapolis and Los Angeles to share my birthday with me and a new career that I love. I have experienced tremendous personal growth between 35 and 40. I quit smoking, quit sugar, started working out consistently, changed my eating habits tremendously, and changed careers. I have discovered that I can trust myself to maintain commitments, not just with others but with and to myself. I know who I am today, I take personal responsibility for my choices, my actions, my thougths, words and deeds. I have plenty of room to grow and look forward to the challenges ahead.

Now is the decade to work on the things I have been avoiding, to shine a spot light on the parts of me lurking in the shadows. I'm not looking to change who I am. I am instead looking to embrace who I am in every aspect of my life...to embrace my humanity and the little imperfections I found so embarrassing in my teens and 20's.

Happy birthday to me...40 and fabulous!

Exercise Anorexic to Exercise Junkie

I used to call myself exercise anorexic because I would go through long periods where I paid my gym dues but did not visit the inside of the gym. I would hit the gym for a few weeks or months even but always something would have me quitting again. Maybe I’d get sick, go on vacation, or just get busy at work and missing one day would lead to two and three and before I knew it I was a couch potato again.

It was hiring a trainer who somehow managed to get me to commit to not only the two sessions with him a week but two additional cardio workouts on my own. Showing up for my trainer was easy because showing up for someone else has always been easier than showing up for me. I always loved the way I felt after the gym but after about six months I started focusing on how I was feeling while working out. It usually takes about 10-minutes to get to what I call the cardio sweet spot where the adrenaline kicks in and I feel like I could go forever.

Finding that sweet spot is what gets me out of bed in the morning now. With or without a trainer I workout because I love the way it makes me feel. Making exercise my first priority I find I have more energy and focus, more confidence and enthusiasm professionally and socially. I recommit to my health every morning and in doing so I have redefined myself as an exerciser…a definition that has had a rippling effect throughout my life.

Small Victories

7-Eleven, my home away from home. I know every clerk behind the counter, every item in stock and my fingerprints are ever present on the soda machine. Today I need a bottle of water. I quickly make my way to the back of the store where 32-ounce bottles of Arrowhead await. Bottle in hand, I make my way past the cereal, the ice cream, the Hostess Cupcakes, the candy, the cookies and head straight for the counter. Once there I look down and notice an unassuming box set next to the register. The miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups beacon as my mind engages in a debate over the damage one tiny chocolate peanut butter morsel will really do. I can certainly compensate for that minuscule taste with an extra 10 minutes on a bike. What will it hurt, who will know, everyone else does it. I’ve been doing so well, no alcohol, no bread, no pasta, no fat…in the grand scheme of things, what difference will one bite of chocolate really make? I pick up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The metallic wrapper warms in my hand. I imagine removing the wrapper and dropping the morsel into my mouth. The chocolate coating melts away revealing the smooth peanut butter filling. I glance at the tiny wrapper in my hand, I deserve this. Of course all too often I decide I “deserve this” which might explain why I have been on and off a diet for the last 20 years.
I wrote the above in March of 2002. I was just a few months into a new life but I didn’t know it yet. I thought my problem was my weight and my inability to stick to a diet. I thought if I lost weight my problems would be solved. I didn’t know then what a tremendous coping mechanism all my unhealthy behaviors had become. I was about to discover the answer wasn’t finding the best diet, the perfect workout or a magic pill. The answer was in shifting behaviors and perspective…one at a time…permanently. Permanent lifestyle changes don’t happen overnight. Permanent lifestyle changes rarely offer the big ticket instant gratification that had been the big draw all my life. As opposed to focusing on the big ticket instant gratification moments that are fleeting, I turned my attention to the small victories. Small victories such as passing on the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at the checkout counter in March of 2002, can lead to big victories such as no candy in 6 years. The hard won gratification being that both my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers dropped back into the healthy range without medication. It is the small victories I want to share in this forum because it is the small moments, the tiny victories that will change our lives if we let them.