A Glance Backwards

What do you think she is thinking? She’s in high school…has friends but no boyfriend, likes play production, parties and football, wants to be liked…loved…approved of…and believes the only way to truly be worthy of that is to be thin. She is hoping the camera won't show how fat she is. Her big secret is that she believes because she is fat, she is unworthy of being liked, loved or approved of by the world around her. She isn't conscious of this yet but someday she will become conscious of it and then she can begin to heal.

What I know, more 20 years after that picture was taken, is it was all a lie. I grew up in Los Angeles in the 80’s and the culture definitely pushes young, thin, and pretty, above just about everything else. It’s even worse today, which might explain the growing number of young people with eating disorders and plastic surgery. It was easier as a teenager to blame my body for the insecurities of growing up, than to look at the real feelings I was experiencing and where they were coming from. In fact at 16 I didn’t have the skills and tools to deal with those feelings and I simply didn’t know better. The problem is that blaming my body for my insecurities was too easy, too convenient and habit forming. For many years avoiding my feelings also became habit and to feel better I engaged in compulsive behavior and treated my body as if it were disposable.

What I know today is that the size of my body does not determine my self-worth. Conversely, the care I take of my body does mirror my self-image. All the yo-yo diets, stop and start exercise routines and a few other less than glamorous habits, were like wearing a sign on my forehead that read, “I don’t value myself much and don’t know why you would either.”

Looking at that picture stirs up a variety emotions. Remembering how much pain I'd created for myself makes me a bit sad. Remembering the journey from there to here and the commitment required to get there makes is a source of pride. I certainly can appreciate the nostalgia of remembering a simpler time in life. Gratitude stands most of all, gratitude to the people who supported me along the way and gratitude today for the opportunity to support others on their journey.

Additionally, I'm grateful for the old friend on Facebook who posted the pictures from middle school and high school. There is no better way to gain prospective than to glace backwards a moment and acknowledge the journey.