Not Sleeping Well... Again

Since elementary school I have had problems with insomnia. When I was younger I would have a bad dream and stay up all night, afraid to fall back to sleep. I had recurring nightmares growing up that I’m certain a Freud would have a field day with. When my dad passed away I found I could fall asleep but would wake up by 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I was avoiding the grieving process and until I let myself grieve, I was up by 4am most days.

I’ve taken everything from Tylenol PM to Abien, Melatonin to herbal baths. The great part about the chemical sleep aids is that while they don’t allow me to sleep during the night, they do heighten my exhaustion during the day. There have been days I feel sick with exhaustion, but on the up side I usually sleep pretty well that night. There is nothing more relaxing than a cup of chamomile tea and a hot bath at 4am and nothing more frustrating than discovering you still can’t sleep when you get out of the bath and back in bed.

In the last decade I’ve discovered, for me sleeplessness is my body and minds response to my avoiding feelings and change. It’s that simple. When I procrastinate a break up, I stop sleeping through the night. When I avoid acting on a decision because it’s scary, or I am afraid of disappointing or hurting someone, I stop sleeping through the night. When I pretend I am ok with something that really does bother me, I stop sleeping through the night.

I was up at 4:40am this morning. That’s been happening more often in the last few months. I am at a crossroad and even though I have already made my decision, I have more feelings to process before I am ready to take action. The key at this point is to actively work on processing those feelings and moving forward. The longer I stagnate the less sleep I will get, the more irritable I will be and the more my health will suffer.

Self- care is easy when you’re happy. The real test comes when you reach a crossroad and are uncomfortable to act. Do I continue to exercise consistently, eat nutritionally and vent when I need to or do I hold it all in, skip the gym and hit McDonalds? Fortunately for me the gym is a survival technique now and without it the stress would swallow me whole. I am also grateful that I now know what insomnia means for me and am quicker to act as opposed to acting out destructively.

I am lucky. The decisions before me are not life and death and there is more to be grateful for then there is to complain about. My crossroad is a place of abundance, of choice and of opportunity. For me it is about making the choice that represents my authentic self. It is about honoring who I am and what I want out of my life. And it is about getting a better night's sleep tonight. I'm beat!