Self-Care, Self-Aware and Healing

Updates

2010-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly a month since my last update and I have some good news to report on my "last diet journey." I've lost 8.2 pounds. I've been combining weight watchers points system with choosing whole foods about 85% of the time. For the last few years I've honestly felt like it won't work for me. I've tried all sorts of things and been fairly unsuccessful but I am feeling like it is possible again.

So what am I doing differently? I think it's the little self talk moments where I have been succeeding lately. I ask myself questions before eating. Questions like, is my body hungry? If the answer is no I say it out loud. "I am not hungry." "My body doesn't need food right now." "I don't need to eat." When I want to eat anyway I have been grabbing carrots. Crunchy carrots have been feeding the need to feed when I'm not hungry. I know from experience there will come a time when carrots won't be enough but for today I am grateful for the crunchy snacks.

Honoring my Commitment

2010-03-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

After 29 years of dieting I've come back home to Weight Watchers. I started it nearly 5 weeks ago. I'm not sure but I'm thinking I'm down between 5 and 7 pounds. (I'll know for sure on Sunday)

Last night I went to a friend's jewelry party. She was serving wine and cheese and some sort of gourmet pizza. I had dinner beforehand to make it easier on myself. I accounted for a couple glasses of wine in my points, and I ate maybe a cup of grapes while I was there. If you aren't familiar with Weight Watchers, they have you count points as opposed to calories.

On the way home I was craving frozen yogurt. I asked myself the question I have been on this go around. What does my body need? Does my body feel hungry? Not what do I emotionally want? Not what do I deserve because I was so good at the party? I knew I wasn't hungry and I knew I could satisfy the sweet tooth with a teaspoon of peanut butter. I almost turned left towards the yogurt shop. I'd even put on the turning blinker but then turned it off before the light changed. In order for me to get to my goal I have to honor my commitments, one challenge at a time, one day at a time, every day. Last night I did and this morning it felt pretty good.

Which Way the Calories Burn

2010-03-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

What is required to lose weight? Is it low fat? High Protein? Low Carb? No animal products? No starch? Limited fruit? No sugar? Protein drinks? Supplements? What if it's just as simple as calories in - calories out? What if at the end of the day if you are eating more calories than you are burning you will gain weight and if you are eating less you will lose weight. What if there are no short cuts or magical pills? What if carbs are actually really important for brain function? What if there is such a thing as too much protein or too little fat? What if diet coke actually makes weight loss harder? What if loosing weight quickly is actually a bad thing? What if everything I have done for the last 15 years to my body has been destructive? What if?

I started taking a nutritional science class in February. I wanted to learn about nutrition for personal and professional reasons. Gaining a beginners understanding as to how the body uses the foods we eat has been both fascinating and horrifying. In five short weeks I have learned that carbohydrates are what the brain uses for fuel so under-eating them might not be very smart. I've learned that protein is a very busy substance and shouldn't be asked to do the job of carbohydrates. I've learned that sugar isn't the enemy, excess is. I've also learned that I was eating double the amount of protein my body required and a lot more animal protein than necessary. I've learned that soybeans are a perfect protein containing all the essential amino acids, just like a piece of chicken does. I've learned that the only Americans suffering from a protein deficiency are under-eating, consequently protein drinks and protein bars are totally unnecessary.

This has had a tremendous effect on my eating habits for the last month. I'm rethinking everything as I continue along the process of my last diet. I am a beginner again and for someone who has been dieting since I was 12...that's saying something.

My Weightloss Campaign

2010-01-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

I began my new food plan back in November. For 30 days I avoided refined sugar, white flour, dairy, broccoli, potatoes, tomatoes, spicy seasonings, soda, artificial sweeteners and alcohol. The first 30 days was easy. December there were a few slips but not too bad. New Years Eve and day were too much alcohol and pizza so we call call that a pretty sizable slip. Since New Years I have been at about 80%. It seems as though every day there is a little something extra on the plate and the weight loss is slower because of it.

This morning I asked myself one question. Can I just stay 100% on target today. Tomorrow perhaps I will have a little extra something but I will worry about that tomorrow. For today can I simply eat according to plan without deviation? The answer thus far is yes. I am committed to seeing through the remainder of the day, eating small meals every 3 to 4 hours and eating from the approved list only. I'll report back tomorrow but so far so good.

My Last Diet

2010-01-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

I believe the most powerful thing we do is make decisions. The conscious decisions we make focus our actions. The actions we take shape the life we live and how we feel about ourselves. I have made two decisions that I decided to chronicle here in my blog.

Ever since I hit puberty I have been at war with my body. I’ve lost and gained the same 15 to 25 pounds since high school and it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem and self confidence. I am 41 years old and I am tired of fighting, tired of criticizing, tired of the self-loathing.

I have decided that I will lose 15 pounds between now and June 30th. I made a pledge through the Biggest Loser and when I succeed, the program and their sponsors will donate 14 cents per pound lost, to the Feeding America food bank nearest me. It's not just me by the way. Go to BiggestLoser.com and you can make a weight loss pledge. Anyone can do it and I encourage you, if losing weight was a New Year's resolution, to consider it. By eating less I will literally help others who need it to eat more. I like the synergy.

Lastly, I have decided that it is time I accept my body for the miraculous gift it is, as opposed to lamenting the fact that I'm not built like a fashion model. Admitting this is uncomfortable at best. I have always been ashamed of my body and ashamed of the shame of it. It's a viscous circle that no longer represents who I choose to be from this point forward.

So in the spirit of change, in the spirit of full disclosure and in the spirit of a fresh new decade, I share with you the journey of My Last Diet.

Cleaning out the Clutter

2009-10-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I have a dream…a dream that every closet, every cabinet and every drawer is neat, organized, and I know what’s in them. I have a dream that all my mail is filed, that if I have company staying with me, they can open the cupboard where the extra toilet paper is kept and I won’t feel shame. I have a dream that my desk looks neat, that there are no piles of miscellaneous papers, no stacks of Post It Notes I have to look through to find a number I need.

For some people neatness comes naturally. Some people are unable to go to sleep unless everything is put neatly in its place. I am not one of those people. I learned that the perception of neatness would keep me out of trouble when I was a kid so I would throw everything under my bed. I became a hider of cluttered stuff and even into adulthood I will at times slip back into that space.

As I mentioned earlier, this year has been stressful and the tenuous grasp on a clutter free environment entirely unraveled. My office became a place I did not want to be in which is unfortunate because I work from home. I started working at my laptop in the living room as opposed to the ergonomically correct desk I invested in a few years ago. Every time I thought I should get myself organized I would quickly dismiss the idea for a higher priority item on the To Do list.

As a life coach people come to me when they need support in some area of their life and it finally dawned on me that perhaps I should do the same. I hired a professional organizer to come in and organize my office, office closet and entryway cupboards. The results have been amazing. I am sitting in my office right now loving it. I have been putting things away and the desk looks exactly as it did when the organizer cleaned it over a week ago. I feel lighter, more focused, more energized, and more at peace. It’s as if un-cluttering my cluttered spaces have released me somehow.

My commitment is to one day at a time put my things away in the places my organizer arranged for me. I am willing to practice maintaining a clutter free environment today and I intend to make the same commitment tomorrow.

Where have I been?

2009-10-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson described my year best when he said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

I have had some amazing moments and some extremely challenging moments. I know every year can be described that way, but it seems for me 2009 has been a time of extremes.

I have experienced sick family members, sick friends, career challenges, education decisions, extreme sadness and extreme joy. I have lost sleep, gained pounds, lost track of friends and reconnected with long lost friends and classmates. I have taken risks that did not pan out and skirted risks that might have. I have hidden under the covers and sat in a jeep in the South African bush watching wild lions have a buffalo for dinner. I have hibernated on my couch in front of the TV and I traveled to Spain to Familia Sagrada, a church designed by Antoni Gaudi that cannot be described with words or truly captured in pictures.

I lost myself in the most familiar of places and found myself in the most miraculous and foreign places. I had a moment in the bush when everyone in the vehicle was silently staring at a lion lying in the road staring back at us, when I felt connected to everything and utterly at peace. I had moments with my closest friends when I felt utterly alone. Finding moments of sadness in South Africa taught me on a visceral level that everywhere you go, there you are.

Generally speaking I do not experience change gracefully. This has not been a graceful year for me, but there is change on the horizon. When I look back at this year I know there is some major shift I am making and I believe on the other side is something wonderful. Last night a friend told me she is entering a new phase of her life and I really connected with that idea. I’m not certain what this new phase will look like but I am ready to share again.

I am missing the familiar, but I am gaining a new vision of what my life can be. As I pursue that vision I must let go of the old vision to be open to the possibilities as they unfold.

I am sorry I have been silent so long but I am back.

Single and Cooking

2009-04-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

No, this is not going to be a racy blog, although I reserve the right to write a racy one at a later date. ;) I literally mean single and cooking.

I think a lot of singles don’t cook because there is no sense cooking for one. Some don’t cook because they don’t know how and some don’t cook because of time. I would have said all three of those things in years past, but no more.

I work out of the house and used to wait until I was hungry to think about lunch. Unfortunately, at that point I am asking what is quick, inexpensive and sounds good. For me that is rarely the healthiest option. I know Subway carries salads, I know they sponsor and are therefore recommended by “The Biggest Loser,” but I think the trainers are suggesting a turkey sub with no cheese. I like the Italian with provolone.

I started cooking regularly a few years ago. I found a website with recipes, reviews, and usually nutritional information. (www.Allrecipes.com) I started easy and usually only for me to gain confidence. Nowadays I love cooking for other people but it was a gradual confidence building process. When I cook I always cook a large enough portion for leftovers so I don’t have to cook every single meal. This week it was turkey meatloaf and salmon. I made a large enough turkey meatloaf to get me through lunch every day this week. I make a great turkey meatloaf and it’s easy to reheat. Another favorite is chicken salad. I will cook up over a pound of chicken breast and store it in a container. Then I chop vegetables for a salad and every day I simply portion out enough for a meal. Obviously I plan my food in advance. Not on a daily basis but on a weekly basis. For variety I make lunch or dinner plans with someone else. It wouldn’t work if I weren’t willing to hold myself accountable for eating what’s in the fridge as opposed to what I would call mood eating, which usually involves junk food.

I love cooking for two main reasons. The first is having lunch in the fridge is one less decision to make during the day. It keeps me physically on track so that I am better equipped to be mentally on track during a busy work day. Secondly, cooking for myself is kind, loving, empowering, and fiscally responsible. Breaking through the cooking barrier has been one of my most successful actions in my commitment to treat my body with love and respect.

Not Sleeping Well... Again

2009-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Since elementary school I have had problems with insomnia. When I was younger I would have a bad dream and stay up all night, afraid to fall back to sleep. I had recurring nightmares growing up that I’m certain a Freud would have a field day with. When my dad passed away I found I could fall asleep but would wake up by 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. I was avoiding the grieving process and until I let myself grieve, I was up by 4am most days.

I’ve taken everything from Tylenol PM to Abien, Melatonin to herbal baths. The great part about the chemical sleep aids is that while they don’t allow me to sleep during the night, they do heighten my exhaustion during the day. There have been days I feel sick with exhaustion, but on the up side I usually sleep pretty well that night. There is nothing more relaxing than a cup of chamomile tea and a hot bath at 4am and nothing more frustrating than discovering you still can’t sleep when you get out of the bath and back in bed.

In the last decade I’ve discovered, for me sleeplessness is my body and minds response to my avoiding feelings and change. It’s that simple. When I procrastinate a break up, I stop sleeping through the night. When I avoid acting on a decision because it’s scary, or I am afraid of disappointing or hurting someone, I stop sleeping through the night. When I pretend I am ok with something that really does bother me, I stop sleeping through the night.

I was up at 4:40am this morning. That’s been happening more often in the last few months. I am at a crossroad and even though I have already made my decision, I have more feelings to process before I am ready to take action. The key at this point is to actively work on processing those feelings and moving forward. The longer I stagnate the less sleep I will get, the more irritable I will be and the more my health will suffer.

Self- care is easy when you’re happy. The real test comes when you reach a crossroad and are uncomfortable to act. Do I continue to exercise consistently, eat nutritionally and vent when I need to or do I hold it all in, skip the gym and hit McDonalds? Fortunately for me the gym is a survival technique now and without it the stress would swallow me whole. I am also grateful that I now know what insomnia means for me and am quicker to act as opposed to acting out destructively.

I am lucky. The decisions before me are not life and death and there is more to be grateful for then there is to complain about. My crossroad is a place of abundance, of choice and of opportunity. For me it is about making the choice that represents my authentic self. It is about honoring who I am and what I want out of my life. And it is about getting a better night's sleep tonight. I'm beat!

Ignoretion, my new time management tool

2009-03-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Ignoretion…a new word created by my business coach to support me with time management.

The problem I faced I was working on two entirely different businesses at once. One business, my coaching business is entirely my own and the other is a project I am doing for someone else's business with other people. The project is not “supposed” to be full time and yet with the constant influx of calls and emails, stress and challenges, it had become pretty close to full time. My coaching business was definitely taking a back seat if even in the car at all.

I realized what was happening was a combination of time management, poor boundaries and fear. The project which has created so much stress and frustration for the last several months is at least somewhat familiar as it is in the field I have been doing for several years. My coaching business is where the biggest risks lie. I am risking failing at my passion and if I failed at what I am passionate about what will that say about me. Instead I simply allow myself to be too busy to follow my passion and suddenly it is no longer my fault. Of course because I am a coach, trained to recognize these patterns in my clients, I realized what was happening and am now forced to hold myself accountable. I am so grateful because in the past I would have simply allowed myself to fall short of my goals and place the blame elsewhere.

The solution at this point is ignoretion. This lovely little made up word gives me permission to ignore emails and phone calls for a period of time every day so that I may accomplish a thing or two towards building my coaching business. That time period may be shorter some days than others, but regardless of the time frame, I get to spend some period of every day dedicated to being a coach.

It’s only been two days but so far I have contacted everyone who recently said they were interested in coaching from an event I attended and I have written this. I wonder how much I can get done by the end of the week.

Stress seems to be in the air right now. We are all very busy. The question is, what part of your life would be enhanced if you practiced a bit of ignoretion? Are you willing to give it a try?

Insights from a Chick Flick

2009-02-21T16:48:00.001-08:00

Last Monday I went to go see the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” It made me laugh. It was not the greatest movie I’ve ever seen but definitely entertaining. The entire movie is about making the same point over and over again; if he doesn’t pursue you he isn’t interested in you. The fun part is watching what women do, creating stories to explain his lack of interest, his not calling, his not purposing. They have friends to co-sign their stories, to support them in creating elaborate explanations as to why he didn’t call or write, complete with subtext behind every word, pause and expression. I laughed because at some point, to some degree, I and just about every woman I know have been through that phase. My big high school crush, looking back I hardly knew him. That didn’t matter though, I took the small amount I did know and made up the rest to suit my 16 year old fantasy of what love should look like. The disappointment was just part of the drama I was playing out. As I got older I began finding the drama exhausting and found that taking men and everything they say at face value would save me a lot of time and energy.

The movie got me thinking though. Where else in my life have I filled in the blanks as opposed to facing an uncomfortable truth? Did I make someone else into a villain as opposed to taking personal responsibility for being in the situation in the first place? Did I blame my body for it not being in the shape I wanted it in, as opposed to taking responsibility for how I treated my body? Did I blame my family for their discouraging me from taking that job across the country, as opposed to acknowledging I was simply afraid to go?

The only way to really take control of your body, your relationships, your career, and your life is to take personal responsibility. That means no filling in the blanks, no stores, no excuses, no explanations and no sugar coating. Reality is reality. If he doesn’t call he’s not into you. Decisions I make because of someone else are not the responsibility or fault of someone else. How I eat, how much I exercise, how much I sleep is not the fault of my boyfriend, my boss or anyone outside of myself. There is freedom in truth, there is freedom in personal responsibility, and there is freedom in standing in your power and embracing a path of your choosing.

It was a silly chick flick with a great reminder message and a fair amount of giggles. I recommend it.

A Glance Backwards

2009-02-10T11:45:00.001-08:00

What do you think she is thinking? She’s in high school…has friends but no boyfriend, likes play production, parties and football, wants to be liked…loved…approved of…and believes the only way to truly be worthy of that is to be thin. She is hoping the camera won't show how fat she is. Her big secret is that she believes because she is fat, she is unworthy of being liked, loved or approved of by the world around her. She isn't conscious of this yet but someday she will become conscious of it and then she can begin to heal.

What I know, more 20 years after that picture was taken, is it was all a lie. I grew up in Los Angeles in the 80’s and the culture definitely pushes young, thin, and pretty, above just about everything else. It’s even worse today, which might explain the growing number of young people with eating disorders and plastic surgery. It was easier as a teenager to blame my body for the insecurities of growing up, than to look at the real feelings I was experiencing and where they were coming from. In fact at 16 I didn’t have the skills and tools to deal with those feelings and I simply didn’t know better. The problem is that blaming my body for my insecurities was too easy, too convenient and habit forming. For many years avoiding my feelings also became habit and to feel better I engaged in compulsive behavior and treated my body as if it were disposable.

What I know today is that the size of my body does not determine my self-worth. Conversely, the care I take of my body does mirror my self-image. All the yo-yo diets, stop and start exercise routines and a few other less than glamorous habits, were like wearing a sign on my forehead that read, “I don’t value myself much and don’t know why you would either.”

Looking at that picture stirs up a variety emotions. Remembering how much pain I'd created for myself makes me a bit sad. Remembering the journey from there to here and the commitment required to get there makes is a source of pride. I certainly can appreciate the nostalgia of remembering a simpler time in life. Gratitude stands most of all, gratitude to the people who supported me along the way and gratitude today for the opportunity to support others on their journey.

Additionally, I'm grateful for the old friend on Facebook who posted the pictures from middle school and high school. There is no better way to gain prospective than to glace backwards a moment and acknowledge the journey.

Real Age versus Calendar Age

2009-01-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

I found a great website a few years ago, www.RealAge.com. The site asks you to fill out information about your health and lifestyle and within an hour or two they will send you an email telling you your "real age" as opposed to your "calendar age." If you smoke or drink a lot, don't work out or have health problems your real age may be older than your calendar age. At this point they will recommend changes you can make to improve your health.

The first time I did this it actually said my "real age" was a year or so older than my calendar age. I wasn't thrilled but was already on a good path to improve my health so I took their suggestions and kept moving forward. Yesterday I filled out the online form again and with a calendar age of 40.2, (my birthday was in November) they said my "real age" is 35.8.

I have to acknowledge that my hard work to create a healthy lifestyle has paid off. Granted, it's a computer program but the changes are also reflected in blood work and test results when I go to the doctor. The true test though is how I feel on a day to day basis. The more effort I put into a healthy lifestyle has increased my confidence, my self-esteem, my energy, my sense of self-respect...

We tend to be drawn to the quick fix headlines, "Get your Summer Body, just 12 Minutes a Day," "Lose 30 Pounds in 30 Days," but real change isn't a quick fix. Lasting change requires commitment to permanent lifestyle change and you begin with just one change. One small difference you can make and build upon. Maybe it's taking vitamins or drinking water or taking a walk every morning. Whatever that one change is you are willing to make...why not start begin decreasing your real age today?

Self care with insane work hours

2009-01-09T23:48:00.000-08:00

This has been the craziest work week I have had since college. I think the last time I worked as many hours with as little sleep I was in college. From Monday at 1p to Wednesday at 11pm I worked roughly 38 hours. I'm not kidding. I have software that logs the number of hours I work on a project. I am a life coach but I also do web work and a variety of related projects for my brother's advertising company. This week I was helping out with a project that that was very behind schedule. I worked out Monday morning and that was the last time I saw anyone other than the guy behind the counter at 7-11 who sold me my caffeine and the Chinese food delivery guy. That is until Thursday when I took the fruits of my 38 hours of labor to a meeting to be presented.

Self care takes on an entirely new meaning when you are on a short term project demanding that much attention. Normally self care means 7 hours minimum sleep, a workout in the morning, eating food I prepare even if it's my left overs and planned snacks.

Self care for those four days meant acknowledging I was tired, taking a 10 minute break when the pressure made me feel like screaming or crying, ordering take out and canceling my trainer. While ordinarily working out is the kindest thing I do for my physical and emotional well being, in this high stress week I needed to give myself permission to skip the gym and eat take out. I needed to trust that 4 days would not undo all the effort I put into my body and my health. I needed to trust myself to get back on the bandwagon, into the gym and my own kitchen when the project was complete.

The great news is that Friday I worked out and Sunday I cooked enough chicken and chopped enough veggies to carry me through much of this week. I am fully back in my routine and rested from what was complete insanity last week. I don't normally work those hours but it is good to know I can take care of myself on the rare occasion I have to.

Holiday Burn-Out

2009-01-04T21:33:00.000-08:00

December was a long and challenging month. Single and starting a new business, my old habits of avoidance were banging at the door. On the weekends I would wake up to unusually cold mornings. I live in Los Angeles where the temperatures hover in the mid 60's to mid 70's most of the time. This December there were 45 degree mornings...brrr. I usually wake up, jump out of bed and head to the gym. Instead I found myself curling up in bed, watching TV reruns for two or three hours. I still managed to get to the gym at least 4 times a week but my weekends...the days I tend to eat a bit more and drink red wine...I was skipping the gym.

I work from home so gratefully I was able to avoid the holiday munchies people bring into the office. After family dinners I always refuse to bring home leftovers, which saves me from deciding to eat a bowl full of stuffing for breakfast. That being said, I was definately choosing to eat out more often, go out with friends more often and cook less. This explains the four pounds I discovered and the fact that my jeans feel just a smidge tigher.

The key for me this week is portion control, eating at home and accepting no excuses. I actually hit the gym first thing Sunday morning. Getting out of bed was not my favorite moment but when I got off the treadmill 4 miles later it was all worth it. I don't believe in New Years Resolutions...I believe in commitments. In December I allowed a little wiggle room and in January I am back to honoring my commitment.

Emotional Eating

2008-12-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

I’m bored and my to-do list consists of things I’m not “in the mood” to do. What else could I do? I could organize my desk and office, which vary from organized chaos to simply chaos…I could complete the photo project I’d been wanting to complete…I could update my clients website ahead of schedule…I could invoice…I could hit the kitchen and see if there is something in the fridge that might perk me up. Then I remembered I’m prepared for this…I have nothing in my fridge but fruit, veggies and chicken. I am both relieved and disappointed. I can always head to 7-11 for a snack…but that is old behavior. That is what I used to do. Now I do things differently…most of the time.

I embodied the saying “had a feeling, had a snack” for years but that is not the life I lead today. Now if I start craving a snack when I am clearly not hungry, I ask what I am feeling. If I don’t know then I write. Usually writing stream of consciousness for a page or two will get me to what I am feeling or more likely avoiding. Usually simply taking a pause and acknowledging that my craving is not hunger-related gives me enough time to make another choice. I will even say “I’m not hungry” out loud. Sometimes I call a friend and tell them I “feel” like eating and why. When I do succumb, as happens from time to time, I resist the urge to beat myself up. This is now always easy. Historically I used to indulge and then beat myself up for the indulgence making me feel bad and eventually leading to indulging again. The key for me is acknowledging my feelings, holding myself accountable and having compassion when I slip, acknowledging that sometimes a slip is the best I can do.

Food Prep

2008-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

I think one of the biggest differences between how I used to eat and how I eat now is food prep. I used to wait until I was hungry and ask myself what I wanted to eat. Yesterday I made a turkey meatloaf with four portions. Tonight I made a chicken dish...also four portions. I cut up peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, hearts of palm and carrots, enough for several salads. I also have cut broccoli ready to be steamed and an entire watermelon cut up in the fridge. Snacks and meals are planned. I may not stick to the plan every day but I have made a commitment not to waste food. Therefore when I do deviate from the plan I have food in the fridge to get right back on the plan for the next meal. No excuses. I feel pretty good today. Everything I ate came out of my kitchen. The goal is to remember that feeling for the next day.

From Excuses to Opportunities

2008-11-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I got dressed in workout clothing as I do every day. I sat at my desk to work for a few hours before meeting my trainer for my regular workout. I was thinking my session was at 10:30am so I was surprised when my trainer sent me a text asking where I was at 9:50am. That is until I realized I’d scheduled the session at 9:30am and I was now 20 minutes late. I had been so focused on work and neglected to check the actual time scheduled on my calendar. We rescheduled our session for Saturday. That settled I immediately saved the work on my computer, got up, grabbed my water bottle and headed to the gym for an hour of cardio.

What makes this blog-worthy for me is that 3 years ago if my session with my trainer was canceled I would have likely used it as an excuse to skip a workout and justify the fact that I would work out on Saturday. Today I didn’t even think twice, I saw it instead as an opportunity to get in a little extra cardio. This shift from excuses to opportunities did not come overnight. It required a one-day-at-a-time commitment for which I am both proud and grateful.

Pita Problem

2008-11-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

I work out of the house and usually I eat food I cook in my kitchen. On the days I get take out it's usually from a little franchise in LA called California Chicken Cafe'. The rotisserie chicken is decent but I"m pretty much obsessed with the potatoes. In fact, when I am trying to lay off starch I can't go there because I am utterly powerless over the potatoes. They also give you pita bread but I always choose the potatoes and ask them to skip the pita. Unfortunately I get it to go and frequently they throw the pita under the chicken breast anyway. This is where the real discipline comes in. Am I willing to throw the pita out when I get it home? Sometimes...not today. Today I was feeling light vertigo...I had a lot to do...I'd worked out and was hungry and tired...and if God didn't want me to eat the pita then the restaurant would have followed my instructions. Clearly, eating the pita is sanctioned by God and who am I to question the Almighty. It was just pita...not a pizza...not a pint of Ben and Jerry's...just a piece of pita...I had explicitly asked they leave the pita out...I'd done the best I could. And now that I have successfully created a plausible list of excuses I can put it to rest. After all, I have lunch plans elsewhere tomorrow.

My inner ear challenges

2008-11-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

So in recent weeks I've discovered I have an inner ear fluid problem. That means I can have vertigo without warning. It ranges from feeling slightly light-headed or as I call "fuzzy-brained" to feeling like I am riding the Tea Cups at Disneyland. Its frustrating, it's annoying, it can get in the way of working out, it can get in the way of work. I am grateful it's not a brain tumor, I am grateful it's not MS or the wide variety of other potential health problems vertigo can be an indication of.

I'm being told to eat a low sodium diet and since I'm not a huge salt eater that's not a big deal. If I have even the slightest amount of vertigo I need to avoid caffeine and that is not that big a deal since there is always diet 7-Up. The challenge is to avoid wanting comfort foods when I am frustrated because I need to cut my night short or can't finish a work project today because I have to lay down. My additional challenge is to lower my caloric intake on the days I can't work out because I am dizzy. My challenges are the same as they have ever been...the triggers to them might be new. Regardless, nothing makes my health a greater priority then an inner ear problem with the capacity to bring your life to a standstill.

Tipping a toe in the sugar pool...

2008-11-14T16:11:00.000-08:00

Six years ago on September 7^th I stopped eating anything that looked, tasted or felt like desert. That may seem extreme to some but I did it for good reason. I had gotten to the point that I was stopping at 7-11 between every meal for Pop Tarts, cookies or some other sweet treat. I had made so many broken promises, I felt like an addict. I had the help of a support group and did the “one-day-at-a-time” thing. For the first year or two I would look longingly on occasion at all the new items the candy companies came up with but at some point I stopped caring. Somehow honoring the commitment I’d made to myself had released me of the obsession for cookies, candy, Pop Tarts and the like. November 7^th was my birthday and the night before I was pre-celebrating at dinner with friends. At the end of the meal the waiter brought over a crème brulee and they sang happy birthday. Normally I would blow out the candle and pass the desert away from me. That night, I instead choose to pick up the sweet cracker and run it across the desert and take a bite. I ate the entire cracker, dipping it in the desert and when the cracker was done I had had enough. At no point did I feel like I needed more, at no point did I feel the obsession or the guilt I had lived with for so many years. It was the first bite of sugar I ever remembered taking that was not compulsive, obsessive or guilt ridden. I have no intention of incorporating sugar back into my diet and yet I do feel some small victory here that I wanted to share.

Forty and Fabulous

2008-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

OMG, I turned 40 today. It's funny, when I was a kid I assumed I'd get here one day but never really gave it much thought. The assumption was that I would be married with kids, a house and a dog. The reality is I am single, in my own condo, with my own business and a cat who likes to sleep on whatever papers I am trying to work with. Not what I thought but not a bad life either.

I have a family who loves me, friends who flew from Alaska, Minneapolis and Los Angeles to share my birthday with me and a new career that I love. I have experienced tremendous personal growth between 35 and 40. I quit smoking, quit sugar, started working out consistently, changed my eating habits tremendously, and changed careers. I have discovered that I can trust myself to maintain commitments, not just with others but with and to myself. I know who I am today, I take personal responsibility for my choices, my actions, my thougths, words and deeds. I have plenty of room to grow and look forward to the challenges ahead.

Now is the decade to work on the things I have been avoiding, to shine a spot light on the parts of me lurking in the shadows. I'm not looking to change who I am. I am instead looking to embrace who I am in every aspect of my life...to embrace my humanity and the little imperfections I found so embarrassing in my teens and 20's.

Happy birthday to me...40 and fabulous!

Exercise Anorexic to Exercise Junkie

2008-11-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

I used to call myself exercise anorexic because I would go through long periods where I paid my gym dues but did not visit the inside of the gym. I would hit the gym for a few weeks or months even but always something would have me quitting again. Maybe I’d get sick, go on vacation, or just get busy at work and missing one day would lead to two and three and before I knew it I was a couch potato again.

It was hiring a trainer who somehow managed to get me to commit to not only the two sessions with him a week but two additional cardio workouts on my own. Showing up for my trainer was easy because showing up for someone else has always been easier than showing up for me. I always loved the way I felt after the gym but after about six months I started focusing on how I was feeling while working out. It usually takes about 10-minutes to get to what I call the cardio sweet spot where the adrenaline kicks in and I feel like I could go forever.

Finding that sweet spot is what gets me out of bed in the morning now. With or without a trainer I workout because I love the way it makes me feel. Making exercise my first priority I find I have more energy and focus, more confidence and enthusiasm professionally and socially. I recommit to my health every morning and in doing so I have redefined myself as an exerciser…a definition that has had a rippling effect throughout my life.

Small Victories

2008-10-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

7-Eleven, my home away from home. I know every clerk behind the counter, every item in stock and my fingerprints are ever present on the soda machine. Today I need a bottle of water. I quickly make my way to the back of the store where 32-ounce bottles of Arrowhead await. Bottle in hand, I make my way past the cereal, the ice cream, the Hostess Cupcakes, the candy, the cookies and head straight for the counter. Once there I look down and notice an unassuming box set next to the register. The miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups beacon as my mind engages in a debate over the damage one tiny chocolate peanut butter morsel will really do. I can certainly compensate for that minuscule taste with an extra 10 minutes on a bike. What will it hurt, who will know, everyone else does it. I’ve been doing so well, no alcohol, no bread, no pasta, no fat…in the grand scheme of things, what difference will one bite of chocolate really make? I pick up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The metallic wrapper warms in my hand. I imagine removing the wrapper and dropping the morsel into my mouth. The chocolate coating melts away revealing the smooth peanut butter filling. I glance at the tiny wrapper in my hand, I deserve this. Of course all too often I decide I “deserve this” which might explain why I have been on and off a diet for the last 20 years.
I wrote the above in March of 2002. I was just a few months into a new life but I didn’t know it yet. I thought my problem was my weight and my inability to stick to a diet. I thought if I lost weight my problems would be solved. I didn’t know then what a tremendous coping mechanism all my unhealthy behaviors had become. I was about to discover the answer wasn’t finding the best diet, the perfect workout or a magic pill. The answer was in shifting behaviors and perspective…one at a time…permanently. Permanent lifestyle changes don’t happen overnight. Permanent lifestyle changes rarely offer the big ticket instant gratification that had been the big draw all my life. As opposed to focusing on the big ticket instant gratification moments that are fleeting, I turned my attention to the small victories. Small victories such as passing on the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at the checkout counter in March of 2002, can lead to big victories such as no candy in 6 years. The hard won gratification being that both my blood pressure and cholesterol numbers dropped back into the healthy range without medication. It is the small victories I want to share in this forum because it is the small moments, the tiny victories that will change our lives if we let them.